It's about the losing...

The Venice, California pier by sunset last night.

I rode Deb's bike (a rad cruiser she got for Christmas) up and down the beach when I found out that I won't be getting the Transcendentist job. I'm disappointed, but only because it's going to make it more difficult to pay my bills. I'm not sure if I wanted that job, because I don't know what I want.

My grandpa, a wise man (albeit drunk), says that true freedom is knowing what you want and going after it. I've been going in so many directions, and seeing so many infinite possibilities in all directions. At this point, I feel like a diabetic schizophrenic in a candy store, desperately unable to make up my mind. The realtor in me knows that it's damned near impossible to negotiate from a position of desperation.


On the plus side, I'm in California. It's beautiful here, and the weather is great. It's amazing what a difference that's making in my consciousness. I miss my family, I miss my friends, but the energy in Chicago is harsh, cold, and draining. I'm letting go of the drama, suffering, and attachment to shit that brings me down.

I'm proud of myself - I'm losing this one gracefully, and moving on happily.

On a completely unrelated topic, stoners crack me up. I saw this license plate on one of those land yacht hippie vacation mobile home jobbies parked in the lot at the Venice Beach. RVN4BUD - Raving for Bud - please, officer, pull me over and search my car, because I love marijuana and have it in my possession.


The Losing, by The Pretenders:

If it's games you want I've played a few
Let me say up front I'll lose to you
I can see you're a beginner
Well beginner's luck runs out
You think you're a winner
But let me tell ya
The winning's not what it's all about
You see, it's about the losing
Can't rest until I'm losing
At first you feel hungry
Then you're thirsty too
Then a desperate feeling comes over you
You think you can beat
What no one has before
Then you start to cheat
Before you know it
You're back for more
You see it's about the losing
Can't stop when I'm at the top
It's about the losing
Every time I win I have to start again
Can't rest, rest until I'm losing
A bluff's about as good as the getting will get
You see in this neighborhood
We're all in debt
A little more money
A little more fame
Who amongst us, if anybody
Wouldn't risk it all
To stay in the game
You see it's about the losing
Can't stop when I'm at the top
It's about the losing
Every time I win I have to start again
Can't rest, rest until I'm losing
Can't rest, rest until I'm losing
Can't rest, rest until I'm losing
It's about the losing
It's about the losing
It's about the losing