Waiting to get patient

The bay of Bar Harbor, Maine. September 2006.


I'm waiting to hear from Ina right now to find out if I got the job at Transcendentist. I may have screwed up royally, but I know that I'll make the most of this situation. I guess it happens - no negotiation can go perfectly, and it's sometimes impossible to convince someone that you're trustworthy and reliable. Trust is something that develops over time, and at this point in my life I can't pretend to be something that I'm not. I am committed to green business, I want to work for that company, but I don't know the direction of my life.

I feel like an outcast from society, more than I ever have before. I've always been distant, never adhered to the norm, shied from convention, steered away from the road more frequently traveled, and tried to live in the adventure of the moment. I keep seeing how far that's kept me from truly integrating into participating in what people seem to strive for - jobs, cars, houses - but somehow I've also been so caught up in struggling to get those things while simultaneously recognizing the banality of it all.

I'm worried about my financial situation slightly, and I'll have to borrow money if this job does fall through. I've always fiercely tried to prove my independence to anyone who would pay attention, but now I've got to be dependent on other people. That's the nature of being interdependent, and it's wonderful to be able to fall back on my family and friends for their nuturing and support.

Debbie bought me a pedicure this morning. Now my toes are blue, which is fun. The sun is shining, and it's 65 degrees here. If the job falls through, I'm going to spend a little more time down here in Los Angeles. Venice is a chill place, and Deb and Matt are great to stay with... so I will keep on mooching in exchange for cooking and childcare.

I've got to learn to be patient with myself, and with life. I've rushed into these large, life-changing decisions so fast that it makes my head spin. Now I've got to be patient with myself, and take the time to figure out where I want to go next... if this doesn't work out.